Life Without a Mom

I was taken away from my mom when I was 11 years old. You can read the detailed story of why I was taken away if you have not read my post "The Cell." Even when I was living with my mom, I always wondered what it'd be like to have a mom who was not addicted to drugs and alcohol. I wondered what it would be like to have a mom that I wasn't afraid of. One who didn't get in my face and who told me to fight back when she'd punch me.

What would my life be like with a mom like most of my friends had? A mother who was your best friend? Who, when you had a bad day, she had those "motherly senses" and who would know exactly what you needed to cheer you up? One who cared so much that it annoyed you? Who gave you a curfew, or would be up all night because she wanted you to be safe? You know-- all those "annoying", but actually great things mothers do for their children?

How would my life be if I'd had a mother I've dreamt of having?

I thought after I got taken away from my mom, she would change and do anything to get me back. I spent lots of time hoping that she would sober up so we can be a family. She sadly got worse and became homeless.

I actually have some good memories of my mom when she was sober. She was beautiful and so much fun. I loved being with her. She was kind, loving, and made me laugh. I'm glad it wasn't all bad, but that's what fed into my dreams that she would fight her addictions and be that mom that I have seen in her before. But still, to this day I have not seen it.

When I got baptized, I was surrounded by amazing mothers. There are lots of great moms out there even if they're not religious. But at least for me, the best examples I've seen this far are many mothers in my church. So for a while I would admire/get depressed about all these lucky kids/friends that had moms who faught for them every day.

Mothers Day is especially hard. In church they would always have people give talks about how much they appreciate/love their moms. They were very sweet talks but I would sit there and cry because I wanted so badly what they had. I felt alone, and would get so angry. Recently I got married, and all I can think of was how much I wished I had a mom to help me get ready and be so excited/proud of me. If any big thing happens in my life, I picture my "dream mom" in my head cheering me on like what most of my friends have.

Not only do I not have a mom, but I also don't have a family. I don't have a dad, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, etc. Most of my family is addicted to drugs and alcohol. So they are not apart of my life. My mission helped me so much with many things I struggled with from the trauma in my life. It was very hard at first because all of my mission companions had amazing families who would write them and send them packages. I had to try to not get angry/jealous of them. Most of all, I had to try not to get angry at God and question everything. My church is very family centered, so I had to try super hard not to get bitter and doubt everything about my faith.

One day I realized I wasn't alone. There are so many other people out there who also don't have their own families. But the beautiful part about life is being surrounded by other people that you get to find very close friends who become your family. And really, we are all brothers and sisters. I changed my attitude, and created my own family of close people who love and care for me. That was all I needed. Anytime I would get sad about not having my own mom, I changed my dream to what kind of future mother 'I'M going to be. I will be so excited to be a mother and try very hard to be that mom I have always wanted.

So, for those who have had an awesome mom your whole life, BE GRATEFUL. I know sometimes you get annoyed with your mom, but trust me, you are very lucky to have her.

And for those who are like me and have family issues, BE the mom/parent you didn't have. Do not focus on how your life sucks because your family is broken, or why can't they be what we believe everyone else has. I had to learn the hard way that no matter what we try to do to change our family/loved ones will not work. We can't force anyone to change. It's up to them. Sadly they may never change, but YOU can. Try everyday to be better and move forward. Do not dwell on the past and strive to be different and change the cycle of your family.

For me, I had to remove myself from my family. All they bring is pain, so they are not apart of my life. And that was very hard at first because I tried to change them and hoped they would get better so we could be happy. But all that was doing was bringing false hope and even more pain. So, I had to cut them off completely and wish them the best. I do love them and pray for them often.

Thanks for reading!

-Love,

Anjellica

xoxo