Happily Divorced

Hey everybody! This post goes out to those who have been divorced/going through the process of divorce/or bad breakups. All three suck. It is not a fun club to be in. But neither is staying in a bad relationship. It's never easy. But it is up to YOU to decide what you do with your life afterwards.

As you all know, I was married before. I had no idea it would end only after 1 year. It was one of the hardest/scariest things that I have ever done. I'm not going to go into much detail on what happened in our marriage. I want to focus more on my experience, and how I was able to move on.

I will say this; I was very depressed and I felt worthless. I had a bad childhood, but I never felt as low as I did when I was married. It got to the point where my mental health was spiraling, and I'd rather not exist than feel that way anymore. After therapy, medication, meetings with my bishop, and MANY prayers, I had to do what was best for me. The decision to leave was so hard. I had so many different emotions. The day I left, I was weirdly happier. So much weight was off my shoulders. Now, I'm not saying that I was perfectly fine because I definitely wasn't. I was angry, sad, confused, and so frustrated. But, I was more myself than I had been in a very long time. I am usually a very positive/happy person, but for many months I felt like a zombie. I wasn't happy, and it showed. There were days that I couldn't get out of bed and would stare at a wall for hours. I stopped laughing, and had no motivation to do anything that I loved. Believe me, that is opposite of who I am. I absolutely hate staying in bed (even when I'm sick!) Staying inside seems so boring to me, but thats all I did when I wasn't at school. I Netflix binged many shows because then I could stay in bed and try to distract my sad mind. That's not me! Anyways, I think you get the idea. I wasn't myself, and felt trapped in a marriage because especially as a member of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints" I felt extra pressure to stay, even if I were miserable.

Heavenly Father loves each of us sooooo much. No. Matter. What. And guess what? He will ALWAYS be there for you. He highly favors His daughters. Do you really think He would want any of his daughters/sons to be in a bad relationship? No way! He is sad right alongside with you. He wants us to be happy! I went through a little phase where I was so angry with God. Why was my marriage falling apart? Why was my husband hurting me? This is not what I wanted/expected. I prayed for months before for permission to leave before I actually left.. But, for some reason it never felt right, and I felt like He wasn't there. So, I was super frustrated. Why would God tell me to stay in a marriage where I was miserable? I felt worthless. For months I knew I was going to leave, I just didn't know when. I wanted to leave when it felt right with God. But, sometimes Heavenly Father won't give you direct answers. It depends on how you're asking. A certain situation happened the day I left. That was my last straw. The next day I went to the temple and felt impressed to word my prayer differently this time. Instead of asking if it were okay to leave, and if I should; I told Him what I was going to do. I basically said that I was leaving, and I hoped he was okay with it. Right after my prayer I sat there and waited to feel something. And I did! I felt immense peace with my decision.

People keep asking how I'm okay. I'm okay--wait. Scratch that. I'm more than okay because of the Gospel, and amazing friends who were there for me through my devastating time. What did I do? Well, I surrounded myself with good people (especially on my hardest days). I said a million prayers a day asking for strength. If you're struggling, and don't know what to do, call someone. I called my very best friend many times even if all I could do was cry. I made myself hangout with friends almost everyday. Also, one of the many awesome things about social media is that you can find people who have also been through a divorce. Reach out to them as well! Ask what they did, and share your stories with one another. It's crazy how much strength you receive by just talking to someone who knows what you are going through. If you really need to, go to therapy! Honestly, meeting with a therapist helped me so much through my divorce. Needing to meet with someone does not mean you're weak, or "crazy". It is amazing!

You are stronger than you think. It is up to you. I made the decision to not let my divorce define me, or bring me down. Instead, I focused on what I could learn from it. I still don't understand why that had to happen, I may never understand. And that's okay. It made me extremely picky. I knew exactly what to look for and what I wanted. I knew for a fact that whomever I was going to marry next would be amazing. I wasn't going to let myself settle for anything less. Because I am worth it. I deserve a guy who absolutely adores me, makes it his mission to make me happy, and is 100% loyal to me. Those negative thoughts telling you that you will never find that are a lie!! You will find what you're looking for, as long as you are what you want.

I'd like to end with one of my favorite hymns that I like to read when I'm having a bad day. It's called "Be Still My Soul" It's a good reminder to all of us that we will be okay. Do not worry, you will be happy again. Healing is a process, but it won't last forever!

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on

When we shall be forever with the Lord,

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Thanks for reading!

xoxo

Anjellica :)