Forgive, and be Happy

Hello everybody! This week I am writing about how I was able to forgive my family. For those who haven't read my blogs this story will make more sense if go read "The Cell" and "Cinderella".

For a very long time, I did not think it were possible to forgive when I had been so hurt. How could I forgive my mom for my scars and all the physical pain? How could I forgive people who tried so hard to bring me down every day? I did not want to forgive them. I lived my life in anger. Memories would always run through my mind of all the pain.

All the anger/pain I let build up inside, led to me crying almost every night. I started to think very negatively of myself. I was extremely insecure. I never thought I was beautiful, because I would replay and not let go of all the terrible things my aunt had told me; it made me hate myself.

When I met with my bishop, he promised me that if I shared my story as much as I could on my mission that I'd be healed and would be able to forgive my family. I laughed; I told him he was crazy. I was so bitter and could never imagined I would be able to fully forgive and be okay. He told me to work hard, and people would need to hear about my experiences. I never shared anything with anyone about my life because it was too hard to talk about, and I did not think anyone cared. But, I committed to share it while on my mission.

I was now on my mission and, seriously, somehow everyday something would come up that would lead me share bits of my life. I noticed lots of people we were teaching had similar experiences, so I was able to connect with them and share my story. It was still hard for me to share, but I realized that my experiences helped people and gave them strength to move forward--especially to those hope who were struggling currently or had in the past.

As time went by, and as I was learning and understanding more about the Gospel I started to recognize a change in myself. I was the happiest I'd ever been. I stopped thinking terrible things about myself. That understanding of the Gospel and having the opportunity to teach everyday helped how I viewed myself. Which is amazing! I started to use the atonement in my life and to discover who I really was: a daughter of God. 

Imagine what it would be like if we could all view ourselves the way that Heavenly Father sees us. We are all beautiful and so great in His eyes. I had a little glimpse of that in my mission. Serving the Lord 24/7, reading the scriptures, and saying a million prayers a day truly blessed and helped my life in every way.

I had about a week left towards the end of my mission. It had been a little while since I had shared my story, but I was talking to a guy and he asked me to share with him my life story. I guess he had heard from many others bits of my story, and they encouraged him to ask about mine because he had gone through many similar things growing up. I had a different experience as I shared this time. Normally, when I'd share my story I'd have moments where I'd cry, and I'd get mad and have negative thoughts about my family, and I'd get mad/sad all over again for a little bit. But not this time.

When my companion and I got home that night, I started to reflect on why sharing my story was so different that time, and I realized that I did not cry, I did not get angry or have any negative thoughts, and I did not get sad! Instead, I felt love for my family, and I was comforted and was able to move on and happily finish the day. My mind was blown, and I jumped up with excitement and started to happy-cry with my companion. I had forgiven them! So much weight was lifted off of my shoulders! Moving on from that felt amazing. 

There's a scripture in the Book of Mormon that I'd read a lot when I felt so beat down.

It's found in Mosiah 24:14:

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

I felt exactly that in that moment. Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ will ease our burdens. They will never lead us astray. It is still hard. I do still get sad sometimes when I think about everything, but I can say that I have forgiven my family, and it's such a blessing.

My family members are still not a part of my life. And it was very easy to feel alone. But I have amazing people who love and care for me that have become my family.

Here is a picture of me and my last companion. She is amazing and helped me a ton with preparing to go home.

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for next weeks blog!

Love, Anjellica

xoxo